The Water Was Slow

I was in the bathroom at a hotel recently and found inspiration. I remember this particular sink when I was in there earlier that day. Someone commented (not to me particularly) that the water was slow at that sink. The person probably changed sinks and rushed off to do whatever was on their agenda. So, when I was in the bathroom the next time, I got my hands good ans soapy and stuck them under the faucet. I immediately saw that the water was flowing very slowly. Instead of changing sinks, I decided to stay put and enjoy the process. I am so glad, even though I was taking a quick break from a meeting, I stayed and took the time to finish my handwashing task at that sink. It made me think about people. Especially me. I had a slowdown, a few months back, when my husband died. My slow almost came to a stop. And the comforting part was, my wonderful clients were so OK with me being slower. They encouraged it and prayed for me and gave me comfort and love. That understanding and willingness be stick with me thru my slowness, spoke volumes to the kind of clients I had.

So, when you get the lower water pressure in life, don't be so quickly to change sinks! Slow down, focus on the one task, breathe and enjoy.  You will find that your understanding and compassion will grow and you will be happier once the task is finally completed.

Do You Know What Tomorrow Is?

A dear sister asked me that one day. It was on a Sunday. It was the 21st of the month. The next day was the same date, a few months back, that my husband had died. I was kinda aggravated that she mentioned it and said "I do now. She said she would call me the next day and I told her that was fine, she could call me any day. True to her word, she called and started by apologizing. What I did was to tell her (as I have numbeous others who have lost ones they love) the story about the dash.

I told her that when someone dies, there is a born date and a death date. In the middle of those two dates is usually a dash. That dash, usually the smallest of all the works and letters, represents that person's entire life. I told her I would be dishonoring my husband's memory if I focused on his death date. We were friends for 48 years and married for 22 of them. Do you know how many memories we made over all those years? Do you know how many pictures we took over all those years? I have so many memories I can look back on or laugh about or smile about. So why would I want to focus on the day he stopped breathing. His life was full of so much love and laughter and service and kindness. I was there for a lot of it and I am so thankful for that. Focusing on one day instead of the 48 years I knew him would put me in a place of such sadness that I could not continue to do the things we loved and help others to remember too. Life is too short to focus on one sad day when there were so many filled with joy. So, when you may be saddened over a death date, remember the dash and be comforted with the beautiful memories you shared. That sister won't forget. I hope you don't either.

Epilogue, Almost

While there is no real epilogue, because our story will never end as long as I have breath, there are lessons and moments and memories that will stay with me and those whose lives he touches way into the distant future.

One of the things I regret is forgetting to add my brother (and his wife) to the obituary. That will always be with me. Had it not been for my brother, we may not have met and had such a beautiful love story. I was so focused on getting it right for him and his family, I didn't think about the brother-in-law, my brother, that he loved and talked to often. Even though he dismissed it when I mentioned it, I still wish a million times I could go back and do it right. 

The End Part 4 of 4

As people have come in and out over the past several days, I can see the impact he has made on lives. I can feel the love and respect others had for him and for us. It has been beautifully overwhelming to watch as others spoke of love, encouragement and manhood. They spoke of fun times and laughs and memories that will continue to last as long as we have breath. Although I feel the emptiness he leaves me with, I know that when I see him again, we will not be worried with all of the sickness, pain, and hurt that we feel now. We will be in a beautiful new world that Jehovah God has promised us. We will he happy again. We will have eternity to hold hands and laugh and love.

Well, today is Saturday. Sunday is tomorrow. It will be the day that we remove the ventilator that is helping to keep him alive. As I sit and pray, I know I will be extremely sad and hollow. But I will also be happy knowing that his wishes were honored and when I see him again, he will be completely healed.

Saturday night. The night nurse saw me sitting by his bed holding his hand. She suggested she move the IV machine to the other side so I could put the reclining chair beside his bed. One last night sleeping beside my husband before we remove the ventilator. Some nurses have such compassion. And I am grateful. Today is Sunday. I spent the night beside him talking to him and holding his hand. This morning I played some kingdom melodies he would know. Just sitting waiting for everyone to get here.

Everyone came. Ventilator out at about 1:07pm. He is breathing on his on but there is no chance of recovery or him waking up according to his MRI and the report we received on Friday.

My baby kept breathing for 3 days, two hours and 2 minutes. He fell asleep in death on Wednesday, April 22, 2026 at 3:09pm. 

People ask how I am doing and I say that I cannot name it. How do you name a new feeling of utter devastation and sorrow.

The End Part 3 of 4

On Sunday, April 12, 2026, everything changed. He was very distended. An alert nurse that I credit with saving his life that day called respiratory. Respiratory called the rapid response team. I had to go out of the room and sit in the hallway. After a few minutes the doctor comes out and said they tried to intubate and lost his pulse. It took me a second to process that. As I was trying to connect the dots he said, they are doing CPR on him now. Then it clicked. My baby is gone and the team is working hard to bring him back. He said he would go in and come back with an update. When he came back, he said they had his heart beating and had him intubated. They were going to take him to CT to scan his stomach area and then to MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit). We were escorted to the waiting area. When the medical personnel came to speak to us she said his colon had a tear in it and he would need emergency surgery that evening. 

Surgery was done in 2 stages evidently. They cleaned out all the fecal matter from the stomach cavity. They found the tear and repaired it. But they left the small intestine and the large intestine apart from each other. They did not reconnect them. Because they had to do another surgery to connect them back together, they left him open and covered with sterile packing. On Tuesday, they tried again to complete the surgery but his vitals started dropping and they stopped the surgery. The surgeon said they would try again Friday. Meanwhile, he has not awaken. 

They moved the surgery up to Thursday and took him back around 12:30pm. By 2:11pm they sent a message that the procedure was completed and he would be back in MICU shortly. When he came back, there was no ostomy bag. His incision had staples and stitches, covered with a steri-strip. He had been put back together in the normal way. I was thankful for that. After about 3 hours post-op he was again helping the intubation machine breathe. Next test will be the MRI tonight or tomorrow to test brain activity/function.

Sitting waiting for the team to come and give me the news I probably already know is hard. But I am praying for patience and a calm heart to make whatever decision are needed to carry out his wishes.

The team said what I knew but did not want to say. The time he was without oxygen to his brain cause irreparable brain damage in several areas. We will disconnect the ventilator Sunday. And then the plan for the funeral begins. I never imagined I would have to do this. I thought we would continue to grow old together. But now I am alone with all the memories we shared. While it saddens me to no end, I know that death does not end it all. I also believe that if I live my life right, I will see him again.

Sitting here on this Saturday in MICU. Tomorrow we will disconnecting him from the ventilator. While I know it honors his wishes, the hole in my heart is growing bigger by the second.

One Old Pen Stopped Me In My Tracks

Today I was cleaning off my husband's night stand. I found something that stopped me in my effort to clean. On his nightstand was an ink pen. This was not just any pen. It was a pen that I had purchased around 1990. It was for advertising the first real estate company I worked with: Apex Realty out of Rockingham, NC. This was before we married so my maiden name, Brenda K Allen, was in bold letters, along with the office number and my home number. Apex Realty was run by Robert Swinney, an African-American man who was always calm and focused. When I got my real estate license in 1988, I sat on them for 2 years trying to find a right fit for me. The agencies in my county did not seem interested in me joining their firms and so I was patient until the right agency came along. I don't remember how I met Mr. Swinney, but we went to Western Sizzlin there in Wadesboro (long since torn down) and had a two hour lunch. He felt that we would be a good fit and so did I. He taught me so much about real estate and how to respond to racism and prejudice and indifference. He taught me how to take emotions out of real estate and deal with facts and reality. When I wanted to get emotional, he would always say "Just be cool." I would not be where I am today without his wisdom and guidance. I remember him coming to my wedding reception at our home. He even brought a gift, though I have long since forgotten what it was. I will never forget his kindness and his real estate wisdom. But I digress. Vaughn and I were married in 2003. And for him to have kept this pen for our entire marriage, not hidden away, but on his nightstand, is a testament to him being my biggest cheerleader and dearest friend. Finding this pen speaks volumes but really just affirms what I already knew. My husband was one of the most thoughtful and caring people I have ever known. He always wanted me to be whatever I wanted to be. I think if I had wanted to be an astronaut, he would have asked 2 questions: how much will it cost and what do you need to do to get started? Those were the two questions he asked me in 2018 when I wanted to get back into my real estate career. We put together and plan and we made it happen. I remember asking him, after I started closing deals, what he would like to have after each commission check cleared. He replied "a chocolate milkshake." I said, "That's all?" And he said "Yep, that's all". And I can't think of but maybe one or two occasions when he actually let me buy him one. I guess just knowing I would was enough.

The End Part 2 of 4

Surgery was scheduled for March 30, that was a Monday. He had to go in on Friday, the 27th of March so they could see if there were any arteries supplying the tumor. When found, they would block them so there would not be a major bleed during surgery the following Monday. They found 3 arteries feeding the tumor. They blocked 2 and left one for the surgeon to block during surgery. He stayed overnight until Saturday and was released. That Monday, we were there at 10am for a 2pm surgery. 4 hours later, surgery was mostly successful got 95% of it) and we were in recovery. He only stayed in ICU a few days before a regular room. By the end of the week, he was in the rehab facility 2 blocks away. He spent one night. The next day he got quiet and groaned. I asked him if he felt bad, he said yes. I asked if he needed the nurse and he said yes. I was calling anyway because his skin was clammy and sweaty and he didn't look right. Nurse came in and called the rapid response team so they could assess him. Back to the ER. Overnighted in the ER. Bloodwork done. Stroke protocol done. No stroke, no seizures. Back to rehab. Stayed overnight. Doing physical therapy the next morning, he experienced shortness of breath. Back to the ER. We show up later to the rehab facility and he is not in the room. Nurse finally comes in and says they had to send him back to the ER this morning. It was after lunch. No one called to tell us! So Back to the ER we go. This time they do CT on head, chest and stomach. Head OK. Lungs have blood clots. Stomach distended. Checked legs and his right leg has blood clots. Whew. They started him on blood thinners and other meds. He was doing OK. NG tube went in. Tried laxatives and enemas to help with stomach issues. Did an IVC filter for the clots in the leg. So they don't move to the lungs or heart. They had to put mittens on him so he would not pull the NG tube out (after he pulled it out once). After a few days stomach is still distended. On 100% oxygen during this time.

The End Part 1 of 4

Now, 22 years married, 2 girls, 9 grands (8 living). Life is good, really good. Empty nesters, traveling on a whim, cruising, visiting family and friends, staying up late binging on whatever we wanted to watch. Serving Jehovah together. Being happy. Still laughing and joking. 

Then he had a dizzy spell. I told him to lie down. That was on a Friday. That Saturday he got up to go out in the ministry. When he got to the Kingdom Hall, he got dizzy again. A brother told him to go get it checked out. He called me and asked if he should go to the ER there in Wadesboro (4-5 miles away)or go to an urgent care (30-40 miles away). I told him he shouldn't drive far if he was dizzy and to go to the ER and I would meet him there. He did. They happened to have a mobile MRI machine there that day. They found something on the scan and was going to transfer him to a hospital in Charlotte. There were no beds. They sent him home with medicine to relieve the pressure on his brain and an appointment to follow-up with a Neurologist. We did. Benign tumor on both sides of the frontal lobe. Surgery was the only option because of its size. I told him we had a cruise coming up the first part of March and asked if we needed to cancel or if he could go. He told us to go and have a good time and they would schedule it for after we returned. We went and had a ball as always. When we got home, we started thinking about next steps.

The Big Move

I was sitting here thinking back about when I was still at home with my parents. I knew at some point I would be moving out to my own space. I was working a minimum wage job back then and kinda made a plan in my head. I decided every pay period I would purchase something I would need for my home (and store it under the bed and in the closet). So one week it was glassware, one week dishes, one week pots and pans and so on. I used to joke that I moved from a bedroom to a home and had what I needed. That strategy actually saved me a lot of time and energy. One other think I would have done, looking back now, would be to try to have a savings account for emergencies only. Not a "put and take" account where you put money in this week and take most of it out over the next 2 weeks. As a matter-of-fact, I urge those who are thinking of moving from a family home (to a spot where a mortgage or rental payment will be due) to take the amount of the rent or mortgage and put it in a bank account for 6 months. If that 6 monts is a struggle for you to maintain your other bills and obligations, it is not time to move. If everything was financially about the same, it may be a safe time to move. Once you move, if something happens job wise or your cash flow decreases, you will have that 6 month reserve that will keep you from panicking until you can stabilize your funds. This is not something that is necessarily taught in school. Some of this we learn from getting it wrong. But one person's experience can be another person's road map. Life holds many twists and turns. By making smart decisions and listening to sound advise, the ride of life can be smoother and less complicated. Your future self will thank you.

The Middle

Now, 22 years married, 2 girls, 9 grands (8 living). Life is good, really good. Empty nesters, traveling on a whim, cruising, visiting family and friends, staying up late binging on whatever we wanted to watch. Serving Jehovah together. Being happy. Still laughing and joking. 

Then he had a dizzy spell. I told him to lie down. That was on a Friday. That Saturday he got up to go out in the ministry. When he got to the Kingdom Hall, he got dizzy again. A brother told him to go get it checked out. He called me and asked if he should go to the ER there in Wadesboro (4-5 miles away)or go to an urgent care (30-40 miles away). I told him he shouldn't drive far if he was dizzy and to go to the ER and I would meet him there. He did. They happened to have a mobile MRI machine there that day. They found something on the scan and was going to transfer him to a hospital in Charlotte. There were no beds. They sent him home with medicine to relieve the pressure on his brain and an appointment to follow-up with a Neurologist. We did. Benign tumor on both sides of the frontal lobe. Surgery was the only option because of its size. I told him we had a cruise coming up the first part of March and asked if we needed to cancel or if he could go. He told us to go and have a good time and they would schedule it for after we returned. We went and had a ball as always. When we got home, we started thinking about next steps.

The Beginning part 2 of 2

After their divorce, he got stationed in Hawaii for 3 years. I told him I would probably be married by the time he came back. To my surprise, that did not happen. When he came back to NC, we were still communicating. Then the communication became more regular. We were married in 2003 on Nov 26. We went to the courthouse. Reception at the house afterwards. 

Life was not easy, only because he was still in the navy and they had him all over the place. When he finally retired, we were able to be together all the time. That was an adjustment as well. I had to hand him all the things I had been handling without him there. We managed. I think that is a part of marriage no one want to discuss. When you parent singly for so long and make all the decisions every day, it can be hard to submit to a husband for him to take over those duties. And sometimes new husbands or those who travel a lot or are in the military stationed elsewhere, may not know what to do at first. It can be frustrating for both husband and wife. It was for us. But we managed and talked. Sometimes there were hard conversations. But we got thru them because we liked each other and we loved each other. Some couples have love and not like. That can cause problems too. Our many years of friendship kept us tied to each other and the love kept us committed to make our marriage a success. 

The Beginning Part 1 of 2

Forty-eight years. That is how long I have known my husband. We met on a 4-H retreat. I was 14 and he was 17. My brother had already met him and liked him. When we met, I liked him too. He was funny, loved music and had a personality that drew you in.

When I got older, we fell in love and dated for a while. Because we lived almost 2 hours apart, it was hard for me to maintain the relationship with calls and a few visits here and there. We were still young. So, I broke up with him because I wanted someone to date who could be near me. It took him a long time to heal and looking back, it did for me too. I was just in denial. At some point, we started to talk again. It was actually after my marriage to a physically abusive man had ended. I needed my friend. The day after he got married, my letter reached him. He was in the Navy by this time. He would later say that if the letter had reached him one day earlier, he would not have gotten married.He called when he got my letter. He seemed guarded. I knew something was wrong. It was hard for him to know that I was divorced and he had just gotten married the day before. When he told me, I cried. At any rate, we kept in touch after that but not too much. He would sometimes talk about his marital problems and I was the listening ear or sometimes I gave advice when asked. I knew he would give the marriage his all and I felt I had lost him forever because I knew how he felt about the sacred bond. He would later say he stayed longer than he should have.

10 One Dollar Bills

Today I took 10 one dollar bills from my husband's wallet. They had been patiently living there since March. He went into the hospital March 30, 2026 and died April 22, 2026. Today is no special day. It is just the day that I had the strength and courage to take the money out. I am not sure what I will do with it. I don't know if I want to put it back into the wallet or quietly slip it into my own. My thought at this moment is the latter. And from there I will use it to help someone else who may need it. Maybe buy the persons grocery behind me in line. Of course, more will have to be added to the 10 ones. But I know that will be the thing that will bring me joy, knowing I literally used his last to help someone else. Now to go look for an opportunity to make it happen.

Hawaii in Pictures and videos

Here are some of the sights and sounds I enjoyed on my Hawaiian Cruise. Enjoy!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/H2oauxWacmF13PdP8 

Hawaiian Cruise Day 8

This was probably one of the more somber days of the cruise. Our tour took us to the Punch Bowl where over 13000 soldiers and sailors who died during world War II are buried. It is an actual extinct volcano called Pouwaina. I was also able to do something that, growing up, I only read about in history books. I got to see the USS Arizona Memorial and see where the attack on Pearl Harbor took place. Did you know the USS Arizona still leaks oil to this day? It is a phenomenon ofter called the "Black Tears of the Arizona". This oil leak is expected to continue for centuries as it is estimated that hundreds of thousands of gallons of fuel remain trapped inside the hull. When the ship was sank, it was fully fueled with about 1.5 million gallons. While on the memorial, you can look down and see the ship beneath the water. On one side of the memorial, part of one the smoke stacks sticks out of the water. The USS Arizona was declared a war grave because many of the bodies remain on the ship. They were unrecoverable because of the explosion and fires. While some bodies were vaporized, some were trapped in inaccessible parts of the wreckage and some were too badly damaged to be recovered. So, there are crew members entombed with the ship, which is sobering to realize as you are standing over crew members graves. At the far end of the memorial, there is a wall with all of the names of those who died. There are over one thousand bodies (1,102 according to Wikipedia) who are entombed on the Arizona.With the total number killed being 1,177 soldier and Marines. It is interesting that we were there on the 6th because next day, the 7th, marked 84 years since the attack. The area was getting ready for the commemoration for the next day.

I also learned that soldiers who die can be buried at Pearl Harbor. They can be buried at the National Memorial Cemetary of the Pacific (Punchbowl) and survivors of the USS Arizona attack can have their ashes interred within the ship's wreckage. I don't believe there are any survivors of the attack left. It would also be interesting to find out how many soldiers died later and were buried with their shipmates. While looking at all those names, I thought about the song "war" by Edwin Starr. "War, what is it good for, absolutely nothing. It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker, friends only to the undertaker."

Hawaiian Cruise Day 7

So today is packing day. We have to get off the ship tomorrow at 7:45am for our 6 hour tour. We did go back to the small shopping area up the street on the free shuttle bus. We were able to walk around and get a few more souvenirs before walking back to the bus. We had dinner with the friends and made promises to keep in touch. 

Hawaiian Cruise Day 6

I could not sleep last night. Not sure if it was anticipation for today or what. So I got up early and got ready while hubby was still asleep. I also made sure I rubbed magnesium on my aching legs. I heard it helps with sore muscles, so I might as well try it out. Make sure when you visit you have good walking shoes. I will have to check my average steps, but each day has been between 6,000-11,000 steps. So, if you are not used to walking that much, like me, bring something for sore muscles!

I am sitting in the Hollywood Theatre waiting to board the bus for our 8 hour tour! Yep, 8 hours. They better take me everywhere during these 8 hours! So, as we go, I will photo document the journey.

Living here is expensive. Homes with 2 bedroom and one bath is in the $600k. Renting a one-bedroom studio $2k month. 3 bedrooms homes go for $800k and up.

Gas, regular unleaded $4.97 a gallon.

Macadamian nut trees take 9-12 years to produce nuts.

Just saw some $5.26 for a gallon of gas.

Bus driver Janna.

There is a forbidden island just off the coast. There are 70 people on the island and there are no visitors allowed! There is a weekly barge that supplies basic goods.

We did a lot in the 8 hours on the bus! I will have to go back thru the photos just to tell you everything. We did see a canyon. It was breathtaking. Photos do not do it justice! Before our day was completed, we had seen waterfalls, visited a canyon, been on a boat ride, visited a blow hole, and ate lunch.

When we got back to the ship, we got ready for our mid-week christian meeting. Witnesses from all over the USA and we all were on the same page and had the same information for our meeting. After the meeting, we had dinner together.

Another beautiful day in the books.

Tomorrow we will sleep in and explore the ship after we start packing. We leave this island at 5pm tomorrow headed back to Honolulu. There we will have one more excursion on Saturday before heading home.

Hawaiian Cruise Day 5

Today we are at Kona. Famous for its coffee as well as where the Ironman competition is held. They also have the only seahorse farm in the US. It's 7am here, sunny and bright. The temperature today will be in the low 80's as it has been here every day since arriving here on Saturday. We also met friends from Ottawa, Canada who were not part of our group but found us because of the friends at the cart on Hilo. 

Today we trecked through town like the visitors we were and had an awesome experience. We shopped for souvenirs and had fun with the locals in different shops. 

I had an acai bowl at one of the local shops that was very good. They had 2 ABC stores that were more like variety stores that had a corner with the alcohol in it. The stores had a little of everything. We found some good things to take home for gifts. 

Before dinner, we were in conversation with a sister and more friends came and joined us. We lingered until we had to go to our different dinner reservations. What a wonderful gift our friends are to us. 

Dinner in the main dining room was filled with laughter and true life stories stranger that any fiction from imagination. I was wiping tears from laughing so much! Another sister and I had to agree, as we were finally walking out, that we hadn't laughed that much in a very long time. But, truth be told, she was one of the main ones making us laugh. We had such a fun night that will stay with us for a long time. 

After being at dinner for over 2 hours, it was time to wind down. Tomorrow is a big day. We visit Kauai and have to meet at 8:15am for our excursion. We are nearing the end of our cruise. We will overnight tomorrow and leave Kauai on Friday at 5pm. Then we will be in Oahu on Saturday for our return flight. However, out flight doesn't leave until 6pm, so we will have one last excursion on Saturday before heading home. 

Hawaiian Cruise Day 4

Today we are in Hilo. We have a 6.5 hour tour. We are on a tour bus and will visit the best of the island. This is on the coast of the big island. It is the largest city on the island. Today was so full, I was ready to go to bed at 8:30pm! We had a tour of the island from 9am until after 3:30pm. I had over 8,609 steps for today. But, we stopped at 3 waterfalls, a macadamian nut factory, a chocolate store, a park and a zoo. All in one day. We learned about the history, folklore and people of the islands. We even learned a few Hawaiian words along the way. Albert was an awesome bus driver/tour guide. The tour was called Best of Hilo. And we went all over the island. And when we got back, we had time to sit for a few minutes on the balcony before changing for dinner at Cagney's Steakhouse, a specialty dining option that was a part of our cruise package. Tomorrow is Kona. We don't have an excursion for that island (it is actually on the other side of the island we were on today). We will probably sleep a little later and then go exploring the area. 

Hawaiian Cruise Day 3

Today was our last day in Maui. We set sail after 6pm today. Tomorrow we are at Hilo. We have an excursion so there will be lots of photos! Today we stayed on the ship, ate good, ran into some of the 40 people in our group, and had some good laughs. We had specially dining at la Cuchina, an Italian restaurant.  The food was good and we had Moscato (wine) with our meal. Vaughn had the salmon and I had the beef lasagna. Both were good. We had calamari as our appetizer and Gelato for dessert. After dinner we went to the shore excursion desk and picked out what we were going to do at the rest of the islands as well as a post-cruise excursion. The excursions are (to me) expensive, so make sure you budget accordingly. I would advise getting your excursions before getting on the ship, thru the app. Excursions range from $99 to $399 per person. Make sure you have some cash for spending at the ports too. Try to bring what you think you need with you (like over-the-counter medicines) because everything here costs more than back home.