The End Part 3 of 4

On Sunday, April 12, 2026, everything changed. He was very distended. An alert nurse that I credit with saving his life that day called respiratory. Respiratory called the rapid response team. I had to go out of the room and sit in the hallway. After a few minutes the doctor comes out and said they tried to intubate and lost his pulse. It took me a second to process that. As I was trying to connect the dots he said, they are doing CPR on him now. Then it clicked. My baby is gone and the team is working hard to bring him back. He said he would go in and come back with an update. When he came back, he said they had his heart beating and had him intubated. They were going to take him to CT to scan his stomach area and then to MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit). We were escorted to the waiting area. When the medical personnel came to speak to us she said his colon had a tear in it and he would need emergency surgery that evening. 

Surgery was done in 2 stages evidently. They cleaned out all the fecal matter from the stomach cavity. They found the tear and repaired it. But they left the small intestine and the large intestine apart from each other. They did not reconnect them. Because they had to do another surgery to connect them back together, they left him open and covered with sterile packing. On Tuesday, they tried again to complete the surgery but his vitals started dropping and they stopped the surgery. The surgeon said they would try again Friday. Meanwhile, he has not awaken. 

They moved the surgery up to Thursday and took him back around 12:30pm. By 2:11pm they sent a message that the procedure was completed and he would be back in MICU shortly. When he came back, there was no ostomy bag. His incision had staples and stitches, covered with a steri-strip. He had been put back together in the normal way. I was thankful for that. After about 3 hours post-op he was again helping the intubation machine breathe. Next test will be the MRI tonight or tomorrow to test brain activity/function.

Sitting waiting for the team to come and give me the news I probably already know is hard. But I am praying for patience and a calm heart to make whatever decision are needed to carry out his wishes.

The team said what I knew but did not want to say. The time he was without oxygen to his brain cause irreparable brain damage in several areas. We will disconnect the ventilator Sunday. And then the plan for the funeral begins. I never imagined I would have to do this. I thought we would continue to grow old together. But now I am alone with all the memories we shared. While it saddens me to no end, I know that death does not end it all. I also believe that if I live my life right, I will see him again.

Sitting here on this Saturday in MICU. Tomorrow we will disconnecting him from the ventilator. While I know it honors his wishes, the hole in my heart is growing bigger by the second.

One Old Pen Stopped Me In My Tracks

Today I was cleaning off my husband's night stand. I found something that stopped me in my effort to clean. On his nightstand was an ink pen. This was not just any pen. It was a pen that I had purchased around 1990. It was for advertising the first real estate company I worked with: Apex Realty out of Rockingham, NC. This was before we married so my maiden name, Brenda K Allen, was in bold letters, along with the office number and my home number. Apex Realty was run by Robert Swinney, an African-American man who was always calm and focused. When I got my real estate license in 1988, I sat on them for 2 years trying to find a right fit for me. The agencies in my county did not seem interested in me joining their firms and so I was patient until the right agency came along. I don't remember how I met Mr. Swinney, but we went to Western Sizzlin there in Wadesboro (long since torn down) and had a two hour lunch. He felt that we would be a good fit and so did I. He taught me so much about real estate and how to respond to racism and prejudice and indifference. He taught me how to take emotions out of real estate and deal with facts and reality. When I wanted to get emotional, he would always say "Just be cool." I would not be where I am today without his wisdom and guidance. I remember him coming to my wedding reception at our home. He even brought a gift, though I have long since forgotten what it was. I will never forget his kindness and his real estate wisdom. But I digress. Vaughn and I were married in 2003. And for him to have kept this pen for our entire marriage, not hidden away, but on his nightstand, is a testament to him being my biggest cheerleader and dearest friend. Finding this pen speaks volumes but really just affirms what I already knew. My husband was one of the most thoughtful and caring people I have ever known. He always wanted me to be whatever I wanted to be. I think if I had wanted to be an astronaut, he would have asked 2 questions: how much will it cost and what do you need to do to get started? Those were the two questions he asked me in 2018 when I wanted to get back into my real estate career. We put together and plan and we made it happen. I remember asking him, after I started closing deals, what he would like to have after each commission check cleared. He replied "a chocolate milkshake." I said, "That's all?" And he said "Yep, that's all". And I can't think of but maybe one or two occasions when he actually let me buy him one. I guess just knowing I would was enough.

The End Part 2 of 4

Surgery was scheduled for March 30, that was a Monday. He had to go in on Friday, the 27th of March so they could see if there were any arteries supplying the tumor. When found, they would block them so there would not be a major bleed during surgery the following Monday. They found 3 arteries feeding the tumor. They blocked 2 and left one for the surgeon to block during surgery. He stayed overnight until Saturday and was released. That Monday, we were there at 10am for a 2pm surgery. 4 hours later, surgery was mostly successful got 95% of it) and we were in recovery. He only stayed in ICU a few days before a regular room. By the end of the week, he was in the rehab facility 2 blocks away. He spent one night. The next day he got quiet and groaned. I asked him if he felt bad, he said yes. I asked if he needed the nurse and he said yes. I was calling anyway because his skin was clammy and sweaty and he didn't look right. Nurse came in and called the rapid response team so they could assess him. Back to the ER. Overnighted in the ER. Bloodwork done. Stroke protocol done. No stroke, no seizures. Back to rehab. Stayed overnight. Doing physical therapy the next morning, he experienced shortness of breath. Back to the ER. We show up later to the rehab facility and he is not in the room. Nurse finally comes in and says they had to send him back to the ER this morning. It was after lunch. No one called to tell us! So Back to the ER we go. This time they do CT on head, chest and stomach. Head OK. Lungs have blood clots. Stomach distended. Checked legs and his right leg has blood clots. Whew. They started him on blood thinners and other meds. He was doing OK. NG tube went in. Tried laxatives and enemas to help with stomach issues. Did an IVC filter for the clots in the leg. So they don't move to the lungs or heart. They had to put mittens on him so he would not pull the NG tube out (after he pulled it out once). After a few days stomach is still distended. On 100% oxygen during this time.

The End Part 1 of 4

Now, 22 years married, 2 girls, 9 grands (8 living). Life is good, really good. Empty nesters, traveling on a whim, cruising, visiting family and friends, staying up late binging on whatever we wanted to watch. Serving Jehovah together. Being happy. Still laughing and joking. 

Then he had a dizzy spell. I told him to lie down. That was on a Friday. That Saturday he got up to go out in the ministry. When he got to the Kingdom Hall, he got dizzy again. A brother told him to go get it checked out. He called me and asked if he should go to the ER there in Wadesboro (4-5 miles away)or go to an urgent care (30-40 miles away). I told him he shouldn't drive far if he was dizzy and to go to the ER and I would meet him there. He did. They happened to have a mobile MRI machine there that day. They found something on the scan and was going to transfer him to a hospital in Charlotte. There were no beds. They sent him home with medicine to relieve the pressure on his brain and an appointment to follow-up with a Neurologist. We did. Benign tumor on both sides of the frontal lobe. Surgery was the only option because of its size. I told him we had a cruise coming up the first part of March and asked if we needed to cancel or if he could go. He told us to go and have a good time and they would schedule it for after we returned. We went and had a ball as always. When we got home, we started thinking about next steps.

The Big Move

I was sitting here thinking back about when I was still at home with my parents. I knew at some point I would be moving out to my own space. I was working a minimum wage job back then and kinda made a plan in my head. I decided every pay period I would purchase something I would need for my home (and store it under the bed and in the closet). So one week it was glassware, one week dishes, one week pots and pans and so on. I used to joke that I moved from a bedroom to a home and had what I needed. That strategy actually saved me a lot of time and energy. One other think I would have done, looking back now, would be to try to have a savings account for emergencies only. Not a "put and take" account where you put money in this week and take most of it out over the next 2 weeks. As a matter-of-fact, I urge those who are thinking of moving from a family home (to a spot where a mortgage or rental payment will be due) to take the amount of the rent or mortgage and put it in a bank account for 6 months. If that 6 monts is a struggle for you to maintain your other bills and obligations, it is not time to move. If everything was financially about the same, it may be a safe time to move. Once you move, if something happens job wise or your cash flow decreases, you will have that 6 month reserve that will keep you from panicking until you can stabilize your funds. This is not something that is necessarily taught in school. Some of this we learn from getting it wrong. But one person's experience can be another person's road map. Life holds many twists and turns. By making smart decisions and listening to sound advise, the ride of life can be smoother and less complicated. Your future self will thank you.

The Middle

Now, 22 years married, 2 girls, 9 grands (8 living). Life is good, really good. Empty nesters, traveling on a whim, cruising, visiting family and friends, staying up late binging on whatever we wanted to watch. Serving Jehovah together. Being happy. Still laughing and joking. 

Then he had a dizzy spell. I told him to lie down. That was on a Friday. That Saturday he got up to go out in the ministry. When he got to the Kingdom Hall, he got dizzy again. A brother told him to go get it checked out. He called me and asked if he should go to the ER there in Wadesboro (4-5 miles away)or go to an urgent care (30-40 miles away). I told him he shouldn't drive far if he was dizzy and to go to the ER and I would meet him there. He did. They happened to have a mobile MRI machine there that day. They found something on the scan and was going to transfer him to a hospital in Charlotte. There were no beds. They sent him home with medicine to relieve the pressure on his brain and an appointment to follow-up with a Neurologist. We did. Benign tumor on both sides of the frontal lobe. Surgery was the only option because of its size. I told him we had a cruise coming up the first part of March and asked if we needed to cancel or if he could go. He told us to go and have a good time and they would schedule it for after we returned. We went and had a ball as always. When we got home, we started thinking about next steps.

The Beginning part 2 of 2

After their divorce, he got stationed in Hawaii for 3 years. I told him I would probably be married by the time he came back. To my surprise, that did not happen. When he came back to NC, we were still communicating. Then the communication became more regular. We were married in 2003 on Nov 26. We went to the courthouse. Reception at the house afterwards. 

Life was not easy, only because he was still in the navy and they had him all over the place. When he finally retired, we were able to be together all the time. That was an adjustment as well. I had to hand him all the things I had been handling without him there. We managed. I think that is a part of marriage no one want to discuss. When you parent singly for so long and make all the decisions every day, it can be hard to submit to a husband for him to take over those duties. And sometimes new husbands or those who travel a lot or are in the military stationed elsewhere, may not know what to do at first. It can be frustrating for both husband and wife. It was for us. But we managed and talked. Sometimes there were hard conversations. But we got thru them because we liked each other and we loved each other. Some couples have love and not like. That can cause problems too. Our many years of friendship kept us tied to each other and the love kept us committed to make our marriage a success.