I am going to try to put into words what I feel and where I am. It is a familiar place because I have been there myself. Yesterday I was transported back in time to that place. Only it wasn't me who was in the situation. It was you. What I saw broke my heart so badly that I had to retreat to the only safe haven I know. My home.
Yesterday I saw a master manipulator and verbal abuser at work in a way that almost seemed innocent. I recognized the words as what they were- abuse. I tried to correct the abuse and reason with it. But I could not. The person receiving the abuse was on the side of the abuser and I was the odd man out in the room. So I was asked not to correct the abuse but to let it live and thrive in the chaos. It was then that everything clicked for me. The whole picture became crystal clear and I understood the words, the actions, the silence, the rejection, the pain, the evil. The floodgates of my emotions opened. It became such an uncomfortable place, I honestly felt my heart break into a million pieces and I suddenly could not catch my breath. I was back in that terrible place. The only way I could breathe was to vacate the premises. And that too was painful because of the babies I wanted so desperately to protect. They are so innocent and precious. I was torn and conflicted but in the end, I had to save myself so I could live to fight another day. Put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others. I am here now, in my safe haven. But you are there still subject to the pain and hurt that you have become accustomed to. I remember it so well because I would excuse it the same way too. That's what made it all click. Even here in my safe place, my heart still hurts and my tears still flow. I again feel helpless as a woman. Helpless to shield you and your beautiful children from the familiar, unhappy place I lived in for years. I wish I could instill in you the power and the wisdom to see what I see. But I cannot. One day you will see it too. I just pray that there will not be a lot of collateral damage in the meantime. I hope and pray that you and your beautiful children will find the love, security and happiness you all so rightly deserve. Only then will I be able to sleep in peace and get rid of this constant ache that occupies my heart. I love you.
